| Print |
PDF 

Leading Women Who are Caught in a Spiritual Mismatch

A resource for Women's Community Group leaders

"I just don't know how much more of this I can take! He just doesn't get it and I don't know how much longer I can hang in there. I've been praying for years, and it doesn't seem like God is listening..."

Chances are, you've been in groups where at least one person in the group has an unbelieving spouse. You've listened, prayed, and sometimes even cried with her over the heartache she experiences on a daily basis. You secretly wonder if her spouse will ever come into a relationship with Christ and if you'll be able to find new words of encouragement in the meantime. In leading women into a deeper relationship with Christ, navigating women's relationships with their unbelieving husbands can be one of the biggest challenges you face.

In this resource, we'll seek to address some of the issues women encounter when dealing with unbelieving spouses and how these issues affect group dynamics. We'll then look at some ways that group leaders can encourage their members and equip them to persevere through the challenges of being married to nonbelievers.

Common Issues

Living with a spouse who is a nonbeliever—whether he believes some Christian principles but doesn't have a personal relationship with Christ, or is of a completely different faith—can be quite a challenge. Very often, both spouses experience loneliness. For the believer, this is because she is unable to share the most important part of her life with her life partner. The unbelieving spouse finds himself a spectator in a world that he can't understand, which often leaves him confused, intimidated, and possibly feeling rejected. They find themselves going through life with two very different agendas. This is exacerbated when there are children involved. Each parent often has a different opinion on how the children should be raised, which leads to conflict in the marriage and in the family as a whole. The believing spouse often feels the burden of being responsible for the family's spiritual growth. The believing spouse also experiences loneliness because she is living in a "couples world," yet isn't able to participate in many couple activities that are tied to her faith. She experiences sadness on a daily basis over not being able to share her faith experiences with her spouse.

Other issues some women face when married to nonbelievers are disappointment and disillusionment when the men they married aren't who they thought they were. Whether he "pretended" to be a believer or the believing spouse simply assumed that he was, there is almost always grief over what could have been. The marriage isn't what she had envisioned or hoped for, and she finds herself struggling to work through her feelings of disappointment.

It is also possible that she was not a believer when they married, but came to faith in Christ later. As her values and priorities change, she may find herself struggling with a self-righteous attitude, making it more difficult to submit to his decisions because she doesn't trust his values and beliefs. You can bring balance to her perspective by asking questions such as, "What was he like before you married him," and "Did you expect him to change after you married him?" These types of questions will help her to see that she chose him and put an end to any seeds of self-righteousness that exist.

Yet another issue a believer faces when married to an unbeliever is in the area of finances. The believer is operating under the mandate to be financially accountable to God, while her spouse has little or no financial accountability. A tension exists regarding the believing spouse's desire to give money to the church, missions, etc., while the unbelieving spouse may not understand the principle behind tithing. The two are acting under two completely different perspectives on giving, saving, and spending. If the believer is a stay-at-home mom, this becomes even more complex because she isn't bringing in an income.

One last issue to be addressed is that many women perceive that their husbands aren't responsible or helpful with the daily responsibilities that accompany having a family (e.g., household chores, care of the children, etc.). Humans are selfish by nature. When this selfishness goes "unchecked" due to an absence of the Holy Spirit, the burden of caring for the house and the kids can fall solely on the shoulders of the woman. She may feel limited in what she can say in order to be a "good witness." Maintaining a balance between voicing the need for help and nagging can often prove to be a challenge.

Group Dynamics

With so many issues weighing on group members who are married to nonbelievers, it is likely to affect the group dynamics. The community group often becomes a safe haven for the believer to express her concerns and seek encouragement. A danger exists, however, because expressing her frustrations can often turn into "gripe sessions," which sometimes cause other group members to vent their own frustrations with their spouses. The leader's challenge is to maintain a healthy balance between offering a safe environment for group members to share their burdens and keeping the group from heading down the path of complaining. It is important to rein in any renegade conversations in a way that is sensitive to what group members are feeling. Some ways to prevent or end negative conversations include:

  • Model healthy submission for group members.
  • Encourage group members to pray for their husbands and keep their eyes on God.
  • Look for ways to "bridge the gap" (e.g., socials with group members and their husbands).
  • Make prayer an active component of the group time.
  • Model love, respect, and support. Encourage group members to discover their husbands' love languages and to relate to them in that way.
  • Communicate to group members that their role is not to be their husband's Holy Spirit or to manipulate them into a relationship with God.
  • Create a safe environment where group members know they won't be judged.
  • Guide the group to encourage/exhort the members with the unbelieving husbands.

When a community group is effectively sharing one another's burdens, the group becomes a powerful tool for changing the believing woman's attitude towards her unbelieving husband. The group can equip her to pray for her husband and to persevere with him through his search for God. She makes the shift from trying to be her husband's "Holy Spirit" to realizing that her responsibility is to love and pray for him.

Encourage Them

We all know that the process of placing one's faith in Christ can often be a long journey. God calls each of us into a relationship with Him in a very unique way, and this process is shorter for some than others. As the community group leader, it is important to encourage group members who are married to nonbelievers to persevere and not lose heart as they're waiting for their husbands to come to faith in Christ. One way of doing this, as mentioned previously, is to gently remind them of their "part." Their role is to love their husbands, pray for them, and model Christ-like character for them. God is the only one who is truly responsible for saving their husbands from sin. Their husbands are responsible for responding to the Holy Spirit's prompting. There's an old saying that, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." This is true for the relationship between a believing and a nonbelieving spouse. Forcing him to make a decision or rejecting him because of a failure to do so will never move him closer to Christ.

In 1 Corinthians 7:13, Paul declares that if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she shouldn't divorce him. For many, this command is a tall order to fill. Choosing to pray instead of nag, and modeling unconditional love will speak volumes to unbelieving husbands. 1 Peter 3:1-4 says, "Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

Helping group members to the positives in their marriages can also bring them encouragement. Although they don't share the most important aspect of their lives, they do have some things in common. After all, they chose to marry their husbands based on some common ground. Encourage them to remember that there are good things in their marriages, despite the spiritual mismatch, and remind them that even Christian husbands have faults. In the midst of their biggest challenge, they have the opportunity to see God work a miracle in the lives of their spouses, which in turn helps them to grow in their own faith. We all believe that God is powerful, but when we see His power in action, it moves us to a deeper faith in Him. Another positive is the fact that they will be able to minister to other women whose husbands are nonbelievers. They can provide comfort and wisdom to others who are struggling, which helps them see that there is a purpose in their struggles.

Perhaps most important in encouraging group members with unbelieving husbands is to share Scripture with the members. In Hebrews 4:12, the Bible says "...the Word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart." It is very important to help group members see the importance of living according to God's Word and of allowing Him to guide their actions and attitudes toward their husbands. By clinging to the truth given in God's Word, their perspective changes and hope permeates their seemingly hopeless situation.

Areas for Prayer

Here are some suggestions for guiding your group in praying for members with unbelieving husbands:

1. Pray for the believing group members, that God would:

  • Help them live a consistent and attractive Christian life.
  • Make them authentic and honest as they deal with life's ups and downs.
  • Give them wisdom in knowing how to approach the relationship.
  • Expand their knowledge so they will be ready to define and defend the gospel message as opportunities arise.
  • Grant them appropriate courage.
  • Use them to help lead their spouses into a relationship with Christ.

2. Pray for their nonbelieving husbands, that God would:

  • Pull them toward him.
  • Open their eyes to the emptiness of life without Him.
  • Help them to see their need for God's forgiveness.
  • Remove the confusion they have about God and the life He offers.
  • Help them grasp the meaning and importance of the cross of Christ.
  • Open their hearts to God's love and truth.

3. Pray for their marriages, that God would:

  • Cause depth and trust to grow in their relationship.
  • Strengthen the bonds of their marriage.
  • Protect their children from conflict arising from the mismatch.
  • Open doors for spiritual conversations.
  • Guide those conversations in pace, frequency, and content.1

Conclusion

Leading women who are married to unbelievers can be one of the greatest challenges community group leaders face. It can prove difficult to maintain focus within the group, while still addressing the emotional needs of the members. There is a wealth of resources available to aid in guiding your group through this dynamic, but none can replace the role of the Holy Spirit in providing wisdom, insight, and guidance. Take heart in the fact that you have the unique privilege of watching God change lives for eternity right before your eyes!

Additional Resources:

 

 

 

Adapted from North Point Community Church, Atlanta GA


1 Lee and Leslie Strobel, Surviving a Spiritual Mismatch (Grand Rapids, MI.: Zondervan, 2002), 166.