Walking with Couples Considering Divorce

A resource for Community Group leaders

If you are leading a married couples group, chances are your group will include couples that are either considering divorce, or have already taken steps toward divorce. When this happens, the resulting effects on the group can evoke a plethora of emotions: fear, anxiety, confusion, anger, etc. Questions like, "Can they do this and stay in the group?" or "How can we come alongside them during this time?" will need answers. Clearly, the desire is to empower the group to love and support the couple during such a difficult time. There is no set formula because each situation is unique, but there are some practical guidelines that will certainly help you prepare yourself and your group to effectively minister to couples facing divorce.

When the group first becomes aware of the couple's struggle, there are definite steps you can take with regard to both the couple and the group. As group leaders, you and your spouse should initiate a group meeting with the couple facing divorce. This could be as simple as the group members dividing into two separate groups—the wife with the women and the husband with the men. The purpose of meeting is to gain a greater understanding of where the couple is and for the group to offer support.

If the couple will consent to meeting with the group this way, it is essential to communicate to the other group members the importance of creating a safe, caring environment. As the group's leader, you will take the lead in modeling for them what that environment should look like. In preparation, encourage the group members to ask themselves the following questions:

• Am I willing to accept these two people where they are, not where I think they ought to be?
• Do I believe that restoration is possible and can I manifest a hopeful attitude toward their situation?
• Am I willing to listen and ask questions in order to better understand the situation, even if I never get to give my own opinion?
• Can I forego making premature judgments?
• Do I understand the balance between God's truth and God's grace when it comes to divorce?
• Am I willing to believe the best about both individuals?
• Do I have the endurance and capacity to stay involved with this couple, even though the issues may take a long time to work through?
• Are my boundaries clear about God's role and my role with regard to the couple's decisions moving forward? Have I relinquished control over trying to "fix" this marriage, and do I understand that is God's responsibility?

If any of your group members answer "No" to any of these questions, you will want to meet with those individuals prior to the group meeting. The group needs to be in agreement about setting a safe and accepting environment.

Once the meeting has been set and you are together (men with the men and women with the women), consider asking the husband and wife some questions like:

• What would you say are the issues?
• What would your spouse say are the issues?
• In your opinion, when did the problems begin?
• What is your expectation of the future?
• Do you want help?
• How can we support you during this time?
• Would you consider reconciliation?
• What would it take to reconcile?

Their responses may be quite different, or may be very similar. Either way, taking the time to listen and understand where each individual is coming from relationally, emotionally, and spiritually will provide much needed information on how to move forward.

Another necessary step is to assess what their needs are on a practical level. Some questions to ask may include:

• If they have children, are there any childcare needs that have arisen as a result of this decision?
• Would providing meals be helpful?
• Is the couple in financial distress and in need of assistance?
• Depending on their willingness, would they agree to meet with a counselor (if not together, then individually)?
• If they are not willing to meet with a counselor, would they agree to meet with a trained lay person?
• Would they be willing to work through a specific curriculum or materials specifically geared toward couples in crisis?
• Have they already retained attorneys?
• Do they need any legal counsel?

Asking these questions is a great way to begin discerning the needs of the couple. Once you have gathered the necessary information, the next step is to obtain the resources that will address the couple's needs. As the group leader, you have two immediate resources that you can pull from: your community group and Cove Church.

Community Group

Your group members may be able to help by providing childcare and meals and by going through a curriculum designed for couples in distress. The group can also look at using some of its meeting time to break into gender specific groups for the purpose of allowing the couple to share burdens and issues that they may not mention in a mixed setting. The group can also serve as a safe environment for the couple to be cared for and listened to, as well as provide a neutral turf where both are loved and accepted. Allowing the group members to provide assistance is a great way to empower them to contribute their gifts and skills and feel as if they are helping in a seemingly overwhelming situation.

Cove Church

Cove Church has a variety of resources available to help.  Contact the church office for specific options.



Knowing that the restoration of a marriage can be a long and challenging process, you will want to keep a discerning eye on the group's ability to successfully navigate the process together. If you notice the group beginning to fragment, you will need to take action. Awareness is critical to keep cohesion among the group members. Here are some "awareness issues" to be sensitive to:

• Are individuals beginning to "take sides" with one of the spouses?
• Are couples within the group beginning to miss meetings or becoming non-responsive during group time?
• Is the general consensus amongst the group to remove the divorcing couple?
• Are group members indicating that the issues are too overwhelming for them?
• Is the couple no longer respecting the limits the group has set?
• Is the couple attending sporadically?
• Is only one spouse attending on a regular basis?

Your action steps will be determined by the answers to these questions. One solution could be to revisit the expectations that the group has set in light of the couple's circumstances. Another option is to revisit the questions concerning the group's ability to create a safe and caring environment. Still another solution is to have a meeting with the couple and discuss how their choices and behaviors may be affecting the group's overall ability to function well. However, be aware that it may be necessary to ask the couple to leave the group. This step should be taken only after all other solutions have been exhausted and you have discussed it with your staff director. Your staff director will walk with you through this and help you apply the appropriate scriptural principles (Matthew 18).

Walking with a couple considering divorce can be challenging for your group. However, with the support and direction from your staff director, the resources offered by Cove Church, and the willingness of group members to create a safe environment, it can be an incredible opportunity for all involved to witness God restore a marriage. Your role as a group leader is vitally important to provide hope, direction, and clarity for both the couple and the rest of the group members.

Adapted from North Point Community Church, Atlanta GA