Setting boundaries for group members constantly in need

A resource for Community Group leaders

If you are leading a small group, odds are you have had or will have a group member who is constantly in need. In fact, a group member requiring extensive care may not only destroy the group, but can infect an entire ministry if not addressed appropriately. The issue is not a group member who has a real need that the group is equipped to meet, but rather a group member who consistently overshadows the group with his or her needs. The goal is to provide a healthy group experience for all members and provide appropriate support for members who have real issues of care.

Finding the balance and discerning members with real needs from needy members can be challenging. The goal of this resource is to provide small group leaders with:

• Recurring themes or potential flashpoints;
• Motivation to address the issue;
• Practical guidelines for setting boundaries appropriately and wisely;
• The heart behind the importance of addressing this issue;
• Potential roadblocks to avoid.

Recurring Themes

What does someone who constantly needs care look like? What are the warning signs? More often than not, the needy members act in ways that suggest that everything is about them. All conversations lead back to them or are driven by them. The issues that envelop those members dominate the group experience. And in the context of drawing attention to themselves, they make excessive requests of the group. Whether the requests are financial or social or otherwise, this can be a sign that the group is being used for reasons other than the original intent.

Another warning sign is that the group member will not celebrate other members in the group, but rather continues to draw attention to the fact that he or she has little to celebrate. A third manifestation that is a clear warning sign is when the member is unwilling to act on wise counsel given by the other group members, and as a result the same problems keep arising with this individual or couple.

Two less obvious signs, but ones to look for, are the group member frequently arriving late and repeatedly showing up unprepared. These can be signs that the member is not committed to growing or changing, but rather using the group as a crutch or an outlet for venting.

Finally, ask yourself if the member is connected. Does the member constantly talk about being alone or lonely?

An overarching thought when analyzing your situation is that members who exhibit the themes above usually have very little self-awareness. In other words, these behaviors seem out of place for most people, but for those who engage in them, they seem perfectly normal.

Motivation

As a group leader it may be difficult to find the balance between wanting to provide care and handling members who seem as if they ALWAYS need something from you or the group. It can be particularly challenging because Christians want to be loving and understanding. Christians want to provide answers and care. You may have thoughts and concerns such as, "What if I am their last hope? What happens to them if the group doesn't provide? Isn't the body of Christ supposed to handle this?" These thoughts and concerns are legitimate. One of the six leader essentials is Provide Care, and all throughout Scripture we see incredible examples of care being given. Yet at the same time, when someone is sabotaging your group, the entire group experience is sacrificed.

So what is at stake for the group member who is in constant need or exhibits one or more of the warning signs? We see a host of possible side effects:

• Inability to experience authentic community
• Inability to grow spiritually
• Disenfranchisement from other members
• Downward spiral into a vortex of a need-driven life
• Lack of true contentment and peace
• Broken relationships

Despite the obvious trouble for the needy participant, the lack of self-awareness prohibits him or her from grasping what is at stake. But there is much at stake for the group as well, such as:

• The ability to grow together spiritually
• The ability to celebrate other members in the group
• The ability to stay focused and on track
• The ultimate destruction of the group
• The viral effects of a bad group experience on future generations of groups

If one member of the group dominates the group experience, there is the potential that the real issues of growth and care for other members are never addressed. Those individuals will carry that experience from group to group, or what is worse, decide that community really does not work or is not worth it. Furthermore, if the needy member is not addressed or given boundaries for one group, his or her pattern of behavior will carry on into the next group and the next group and on and on and on. Remember that the win is sustaining a healthy group while providing support for the individual.

Setting Boundaries

Setting boundaries is never easy, but the more you do it, the better you become at it and the easier it is. In the long run, it is far easier to set boundaries at the outset of the group than to have to rein someone in six months into the life of the group. How can you do this? First, establish very clearly at the beginning of the group's life cycle that small group is not a support group. While care will be given, the small group is neither equipped nor designed to be a recovery group or a place for counseling sessions. By clearly stating this at the outset, you have the ability to set the tone early and you have a milepost to return to if you see your group headed down that path.

Secondly, address the distinction between caregiving and caretaking. Draw out that we are called to provide care in times of need, but we do not become caretakers for individuals in our groups.

Establish at the outset that spiritual growth is a goal for the group, which means that group members are willing to listen and apply insights and actions suggested by the group. A proper understanding and acceptance that the group is for the member and that the group is there to foster spiritual growth, will help you out when you see a member unwilling to apply advice. Once again, you will have a place to return to in order to gently remind a group member that he or she understood and accepted this as part of connecting with the group.

Draw a distinction between leniency and love. By doing this, you establish up front that there will be times that biblical truth will be given. To the needy member this may feel judgmental or painful. All too often, Christians lean toward leniency when delivering truth for fear that we will offend someone. This doesn't mean that truth trumps grace; however, as a leader, if you offer leniency, you will allow the behavior to continue. If this distinction is stated and understood at the outset of the group, it will be easier to enforce down the road.

These are great boundaries to set up in the beginning, but what if you find yourself in the middle of a group experience and some of the above thematic breakdowns begin to occur? What do you do if you haven't set the boundaries initially? Here are some practical reminders and steps you can take to resolve these issues.

• Be compassionate. As a leader, start with compassion. Initially, it may be difficult to discern real need from real needy. If you enter into the fray with compassion, your heart will be predisposed to respond appropriately.
  
  
• Be aware. Watch how the other members of the group are responding to the potentially needy member. Look for signs that your other group members are growing tired or detached from the group. Look for rolling eyes, sidebar conversations, etc.
  
  
• Be prepared. Look for an opening to draw the conversation back to the group. You can do this by simply saying to another group member, "What do you think about that?" Always keep your ears open for a pause where you will have the opportunity to bring the group back on task. While you want to avoid sacrificing people for programming, keep the focus.
  
  
• Be assertive. The likelihood is fairly high that you as the leader are going to have to address the needy member. Again, due to low self-awareness, the needy member rarely resolves the issues. You need to be prepared and willing to address the member.
  
  
• Be quick. You want to address the issue as quickly as possible. The longer it continues, the harder it is to rein in. And the potential for collateral group damage increases. Waiting also increases the likelihood that someone else in the group will address the needy member in a way that is less than appropriate and substantially more damaging.
  
  
• Be discreet. Public castigation is never the best way to address needy people. It will drive them further away and potentially cause more damage. It is best to call the person aside from the group and address the issue. Perhaps even at a different time. In addition, you could bring your apprentice along for the confrontation. In that way, it allows the needy person to understand that it is not just one person's opinion or quest.
  
  
• Be humble. As a leader, you want to balance giving truth with a humble spirit. In general, people tend to discount what they hear from others they consider self-righteous or arrogant... even if they are right.
  
  
• Be accepting. Communicate acceptance. It's easier to accept difficult truth from people when you're confident that they accept you as a person. If you're not, then what they say just comes across as rejection, which leads you to put up walls.
  
  
• Be sound. Focus on adding truth rather than pointing out errors. People generally don't abandon what they think or believe just because someone presents a good argument. But if you can gently add truth over time, then as they test and grow comfortable with that truth, they'll be more likely to let go of error.
  
  
• Be a leader. Lead them to self-discovery. Preaching to them puts them in a position to defend their beliefs or behaviors. By asking good questions, you can position them to discover truth on their own. Ultimately, if self-awareness is the issue, self-discovery will be the best medicine.
  
  
• Be thorough. One conversation is rarely going to resolve all issues. Be prepared to have follow-up conversations. Continue to encourage the members down a road of self-discovery. Let them know that you are on their side and that you want to help them grow past this.

The Heart Behind The Issue

More often than not, needy members are in deep struggles. They are struggles with God for controlling interest in their lives. There is a break in the relationship or potentially no relationship, and, therefore, an unwillingness to address the problem.

The Community Group is a vehicle for accountability. The context of the Community Group allows God to work through His people to bring about restoration and reconciliation with Him. In Isaiah 61 we read, "He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners." What greater charge can leaders have? When leaders proclaim biblical truths, those truths become the keys to break through barriers that may be holding a needy person hostage. Those truths shine a light where darkness has thrived for years. As a leader, you have the opportunity, challenge, privilege, and responsibility to deliver truth.

Roadblocks to Watch Out For

There are several roadblocks or pitfalls to watch out for as you begin to set boundaries. Some of them are practical, while others are more deeply spiritual or personal.

A huge barrier to avoid is the need for human approval versus delivering truth. Most people want to be liked and accepted. It drives many of the decisions they make on a day-to-day basis. This tension can drive how leaders facilitate their groups as well. There will be a temptation to avoid having difficult conversations for fear that the other people will not like you anymore. That may be true; the needy members may decide that they do not like you anymore based on the information that you communicate. But if you communicate with love and compassion, you are being faithful with the opportunity God has given you. Remember that you are not responsible for the needy member, but rather responsible to God.

You may eventually feel that you have said and done all that you can, and no matter what else you say or do, it won't make a difference because the needy member is not listening. That may be true. If you have exhausted all avenues, including other members' involvement, it may be time to allow the person to seek help from a professional counselor. Again, a small group meeting is not intended to be a counseling session.

The needy people may be exhibiting these behaviors because they are carrying burdens that have not been exposed. Perhaps they reveal that they have been sexually molested or are being abused. At this point you will want to find them professional help. Your group is not equipped to handle professional counseling needs.

As a leader, you have an incredible opportunity to lead people into a growing relationship with Jesus Christ. With that opportunity comes broken people and broken lives. Recognize that life is messy. This world is broken. You may be tempted to take things personally, but we urge you to guard against that. You are involved in an incredible undertaking. Thank you for serving.

Adapted from North Point Community Church, Atlanta GA